What are the repeating patterns?
1 The kick the nearest dog syndrome.
(Attack whoever is near and vulnerable when you cannot reach your rival or foe.)
2 Jealousy.
(If I can't have x, nobody else will - I'll destroy it/ them.)
3 Revenge.
(Kill the lover / boss / whoever who spurned / sacked me.
A normal person on a normal day will be able to reason:
1 Why not kick the dog?
No point hurting somebody else who is an innocent bystander. It's not fair on them.
If everybody did that, I could never dare to leave the house - or stay in it, because everybody having a bad day would jump on me.
The innocent dog, bystander, might listen and help, distract me, offer consolation, help me forget, find me a substitute for what I've lost, make me feel good again.
2 Why Stop Jealousy?
I won't gain anything. I'll still be upset at the memory. Even if I recover the job or the lover I'll still be afraid. I need to focus my affection elsewhere.
Action will not gain what I want. Nobody will trust me. I need to deal with the issues and find somebody else or something else which makes me feel top dog.
3 Revenge
A Chinese saying is, before taking revenge dig two graves.
What I want is not a person who does not love me or a job in a place where I am unpopular.
Like jealousy, the aim is to right the balance. But revenge does not right the balance. You end up in prison and never gain anything for your own side.
Do the people who commit these actions realise what they are doing?
I remember driving round Brent Cross looking for a parking place. Was it a rainy day when everybody was in a bad mood and traffic was bad - but I got a parking place? Was it a sunny day when everybody was out driving, lots of jams, I saw a perfect place? I slowed down ready to pull in. Then another driver overtook me and drove into it. Made a bad day worse? Spoiled a good day?
I was furious. I wanted to drive into the car and run over the children getting out.
My passenger knew how I felt. She said to me, 'Forget it. It's a big world and big parking area. We'll find another place.'
It wasn't even worth the aggravation of shouting at the other driver, pointing out their error, wasting time, getting an apology. The only good outcome would have been if I'd pointed out that I'd been trying to get into the parking place. They'd said they had not realised. They'd apologised. And backed out to let me in. (Or I'd said, 'Never mind, I'll find another.')
It's not true that you forget. I still remember my annoyance. However, if I had damaged their car, damaged my car, been arrested, been in court. No shopping trip. No fun for my family. the whole confrontation getting worse. Endless replays of the day's events.
A few minutes later we found a space - even nearer the door.
The same thing happens but on a larger scale all over the world.
Somebody else wins the prize at a competition.
In ten years time you could have new friends, new family, a new job, and be free and happy. (Or you could have a different set or grudges, but not have ruined your life and your family's and dozens of others with last year's problem.) Just wait a year and a day. If it hurts here, go somewhere else.
1 The kick the nearest dog syndrome.
(Attack whoever is near and vulnerable when you cannot reach your rival or foe.)
2 Jealousy.
(If I can't have x, nobody else will - I'll destroy it/ them.)
3 Revenge.
(Kill the lover / boss / whoever who spurned / sacked me.
A normal person on a normal day will be able to reason:
1 Why not kick the dog?
No point hurting somebody else who is an innocent bystander. It's not fair on them.
If everybody did that, I could never dare to leave the house - or stay in it, because everybody having a bad day would jump on me.
The innocent dog, bystander, might listen and help, distract me, offer consolation, help me forget, find me a substitute for what I've lost, make me feel good again.
2 Why Stop Jealousy?
I won't gain anything. I'll still be upset at the memory. Even if I recover the job or the lover I'll still be afraid. I need to focus my affection elsewhere.
Action will not gain what I want. Nobody will trust me. I need to deal with the issues and find somebody else or something else which makes me feel top dog.
3 Revenge
A Chinese saying is, before taking revenge dig two graves.
What I want is not a person who does not love me or a job in a place where I am unpopular.
Like jealousy, the aim is to right the balance. But revenge does not right the balance. You end up in prison and never gain anything for your own side.
Do the people who commit these actions realise what they are doing?
I remember driving round Brent Cross looking for a parking place. Was it a rainy day when everybody was in a bad mood and traffic was bad - but I got a parking place? Was it a sunny day when everybody was out driving, lots of jams, I saw a perfect place? I slowed down ready to pull in. Then another driver overtook me and drove into it. Made a bad day worse? Spoiled a good day?
I was furious. I wanted to drive into the car and run over the children getting out.
My passenger knew how I felt. She said to me, 'Forget it. It's a big world and big parking area. We'll find another place.'
It wasn't even worth the aggravation of shouting at the other driver, pointing out their error, wasting time, getting an apology. The only good outcome would have been if I'd pointed out that I'd been trying to get into the parking place. They'd said they had not realised. They'd apologised. And backed out to let me in. (Or I'd said, 'Never mind, I'll find another.')
It's not true that you forget. I still remember my annoyance. However, if I had damaged their car, damaged my car, been arrested, been in court. No shopping trip. No fun for my family. the whole confrontation getting worse. Endless replays of the day's events.
A few minutes later we found a space - even nearer the door.
The same thing happens but on a larger scale all over the world.
Somebody else wins the prize at a competition.
In ten years time you could have new friends, new family, a new job, and be free and happy. (Or you could have a different set or grudges, but not have ruined your life and your family's and dozens of others with last year's problem.) Just wait a year and a day. If it hurts here, go somewhere else.
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